Some family members and Denise, my fiancé, went to the "Out of the Darkness Walk" Saturday. It was an event to kick off suicide prevention week. I wanted to support the walk because of loosing my mother, first cousin, and grandmother to suicide. I know the devastation suicide can have on family members and wanted to be apart of this cause. I was deeply moved by the feeling I got from the 1,000+ supporters there. My inspirational moment came when they released hundreds of butterflies before the actual walk.
Prior to releasing the hundreds of butterflies, the announcer reminded us that the butterfly is the symbol of transformation. It triggered a memory of a favorite site I like to go to when I am exploring my relationship with mother nature. If interested please visit http://www.whats-your-sign.com/butterfly-animal-symbolism.html
When exploring the commonalities of the butterfly and myself, I identified with the incredible amount of energy it takes to transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly. My two psychotic manic episodes took almost all of my energy. In the months and years to follow, I had numerous heart and physical issues to show for my unbridled energy. Just like the butterfly, I attracted the attention of those around me who wanted to share in the beauty and energy of the flight. Yet when I went into my own cocoon, hardly anyone noticed me.
I feel pretty certain that most people experience life's ups and downs. It's the degrees in which we experience them that separate us. When I experienced my psychotic manic episodes, I felt like a butterfly who has been released from its cocoon. I was ready to spread and flap my magnificent wings until I had no more energy to explore. When I tired of my frantic pace, I wanted to borough myself in a cocoon and isolate myself from the rest of the world. What a great lesson I learned from one of mother nature's creatures.
I started my recovery in 2005. I began to understand how important it is to live in the present. I studied Don Ruiz books and practiced Mindfulness. I understood how important it is to live every moment as if the angel of death is sitting by my side to remind me of the importance of truly being free to be me. I started looking people and life without judgement. I am so grateful for these tools that I was able to move back to Denver 2 and 1/2 years ago. A place where I had experienced the devastation of three suicides and the mental struggle of who I am. Now I enjoy being involved with the community by teaching classes on wellness, speaking to various groups, and on a personal level, finding a woman to be my soul mate.